Cold email deconstruction: Craft messages that stand out
(from a top SDR at Cognism)
Read time: 2 min
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A few weeks ago, Johnny Stiffell, a top SDR at Cognism, shared a cold email on LinkedIn asking for feedback.
It's one of the best I've seen, but there's still room for improvement.
I analyzed it and rewrote a new version.
In this newsletter, you'll find:
Johnny's original email
My feedback to Johnny
My rewritten version
You'll learn a lot from this breakdown and rewrite.
Johnny's original email
Johnny’s email scored a 80.
My feedback to Johnny
Overall, it’s an excellent email!
I love it, especially how you used the information you got from talking to their sales team.
That's relevant.
I wish I would get more emails like this in my inbox haha.
Here are 3 areas for improvement:
1 - Split Your Research:
You combined two pieces of research in one email: the information from their team and their hiring status.
Separate these into 2 emails.
This achieves 2 things:
A shorter email
A second touchpoint if the Head of Sales doesn’t respond to the first email.
2 - Stay Focused on Cold Calling:
You mentioned both cold calling as key requirements from the job description.
Stick to cold calling in this email to stay laser-focused on the primary requirement.
3 - Positive Spin on Competitors:
When mentioning a competitor, start with a positive note about their current choice.
This reinforces their decision and then highlight a competitor's weakness to create a contrast.
My rewritten version
I used ZoomInfo as a competitor example and referred to Cognism’s data on customers switching from ZoomInfo.
Another thing I would change is the Call To Action:
Instead of asking for interest, send value first by showing that the data is better than competitors' in EMEA.
Cognism operates in the crowded B2B contact data market, with over 280 companies in the Sales Intelligence category on G2.
Understand where you're winning against competitors. Having more contact data isn't enough. Each provider has strengths and weaknesses in different markets, industries, and buyer personas.
Show that you've researched them by mentioning their main ICP (B2B SaaS companies) and primary buyer persona (VP of Sales). This demonstrates your understanding of their business.
We improved the email score from 80 to 93.
Key differences with John's email:
Focus on one aspect of outbound: cold calling.
Highlight where Cognism outperforms ZoomInfo.
Emphasize the impact on their team’s calls using ZoomInfo.
CTA focuses on value in the first email
What would you change?
Now you have ideas to improve your outbound messaging.
That’s it!
I hope this helps with your outbound journey.
✌️👨🍳
Elric
P.S. I’m sending this newsletter from Avignon, France 🇫🇷 for our friends’ wedding. It’s our last week in Europe before heading back to Mexico, where we’ll return with the podcast and more content.
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